13 Ways to Celebrate the 4th of July Properly

  1. Start the day with “America – Fuck Yeah!” by Team America: World Police. There’s no real need to watch the movie, but if you want to start your day out with patriotism and blind support of this great nation, you need to listen to “America – Fuck Yeah!”
  2. Get star-spangled up in this bitch. Gather as many red, white, and blue articles of clothing and accessories as you have and put them all on. Extra credit goes for actual depictions of the American flag. However, if for some reason you don’t like our odd color palette, at least wear blue jeans and a shirt with some red and white on it. You may look like Where’s Waldo, but you will be honoring your mother country.
  3. Attend a 4th of July parade. There will be candy thrown out into the crowd and funnel cakes and elephant ears to consume way too early in the day. You can also clap for kids who’ve been forced to get up at the ass crack of dawn and march in a parade and play their flute for two hours straight. Is there anything more American than forcing a developing child into a strict mold of what they have to be?
  4. Watch at least one episode of Parks and Recreation, preferably seasons four, six, and seven when Leslie really hit her stride. As our politicians get increasingly more corrupt and more and more stories hit the news of murder, arson, racism, and police brutality, it’s getting harder and harder to believe that we live in the land of the free and home of the brave. Leslie Knope can fix that at least for an hour or two.
  5. Watch 1776 (the musical). What’s better than watching Boy Meets World’s Mr. Feeney in black hair dye sing about how he’s obnoxious and disliked, John Adams and Abigail Adams negotiate what’s really important in life, and fully grown men in wigs and tights dance a minuet together? Nothing, that’s what, and that’s what your life is if you haven’t seen 1776.
  6. Watch Independence Day. Extra points go towards those of you brave enough to play a drinking game while watching it. Do a shot every time Jeff Goldblum is nervous or right, every time Vivica A. Fox shatters your one-dimensional understanding of strippers, and every time Will Smith goes balls to the wall. Try not to get alcohol poisoning. The next point will help with this.
  7. Consume at least two pounds of red meat. If you can’t consume red meat for whatever reason, fine, do what’s best for you, but just know that you’re letting the Communists win and Patrick Swayze is very disappointed in you (At least put a tiny American flag in the food, for God’s sake.).
  8. Argue about which one of the Founding Fathers is the best. Hint: it’s not Thomas Jefferson, and we can fight in the street about that, Shirley.
  9. Buy fireworks and terrorize the local animals and combat veterans. Or, if you’re not an irritating teenage boy, at least buy Poppers and sparklers. Poppers ensure that you can get out some of your irritating personality in a controlled environment while sparklers help tap you into a time when life was simple and you didn’t realize our country was founded in the blood of black people.
  10. Forget about internationalism, multiculturalism, and tact for a day. For 24 hours, America is the greatest country on the planet. Fuck France. Today is our day.
  11. Forget about racism and hate for a day. If you’re in America today, you’re an American citizen, and you deserve to celebrate the day 31 days before the Declaration of Independence was actually signed. There is no room for schism today. We’re presenting the world with a united front and that front is blind to criticism.
  12. Blow up Tumblr, Twitter, and all other social media sites with expressions of American patriotism. We endured Eurovision. It’s time we got ours.
  13. Get star-spangled hammered because that is a great expression and Benjamin Franklin would approve. In fact, do anything that Benjamin Franklin would approve of – just be prepared for the STI, unplanned pregnancy, and gout you’ll learn about in a few weeks.

Happy 4th!