The Situation: I am on the toilet as I occasionally am during the day. Nothing too excessive, worry not, but as needed. A woman comes in, her feet tapping against the floor in a tattoo of urgency. She slams into the stall against me, the sound of her clothes rustling muddling together. Then her bowels unleash something hellish, prompting me to clasp my fingers to my nose and wish that I hadn’t decided to take a “meeting” at this exact second. What I hear next, however, is even more alarming: the woman takes out her phone, dials a number, and starts talking on it. She talks even as she strains and grunts. She talks even as she huffs and pants. She talks even as her sphincter rapidly tightens and releases. She talks all the way through me finishing, flushing, washing my hands, using the dryer, and slamming out of the door. And she does this several times a week.
The Reaction: What the fuck is wrong with this woman? Why would you make a phone call when you’re in that situation? How can the other person even hear her over all the grunting and flatulence and flushing? And I know these aren’t time sensitive conversations because I have been privy to enough of them. This woman just really likes to talk on the phone while she’s halfway to an aneurysm.
That shit is nasty. No one wants to hear the gratuitous sounds of you shitting and it is awkward as fuck to be the person in the next stall. You have no idea if the person is talking to you at first and then you have to politely ignore both the sounds of gastrointestinal distress and the intimate conversation about the boyfriend you’re financially supporting but are not sure if he’ll be a good father to your son. I know it can get boring if you’re on the toilet for a long time, but for God’s sake, wait five minutes. It will be easier for you to hear the person on the line, make that person feel significantly less grossed out, and make your stall-mates feel less awkward.
Final Note: Please change your diet, lady. This is a constant stream of smelly diarrhea. I’m getting worried about you.
* Photo taken from https://seeingm.wordpress.com/2014/03/04/toilets-as-teachers/