Mornings… why. Just why. Why are you so hard to face? Do you think that I just need a certain amount of sleep and am not getting it? Dare you to blame this soul-crushing fatigue on me? No, sir, I will have you know that I’ve slept significantly less but woken up later in the day and been fine. The problem lies with you.
There is nothing delightable about waking up during you, Mornings. If it is dark, then the artificial light I need to turn off my alarm, move around, go to the bathroom, and otherwise get ready stabs into my poor, tired eyes, making them burn. I also feel disorientated, wondering why I went to sleep when it was dark and it is yet still dark. How can that be? Shouldn’t time have passed? What time is it? Where am I? Mornings… why.
If it is light, then I’ve been waking up fitfully for the past hour, my feeble human body convinced that it is past time to get up. It loses all ability to intuit time and panics, instantly assuming that I am late, and thus I wake disoriented, heart pounding, brain running on full speed… until I glance at my clock and learn, no, it is not time to get up, no, it is not late, and no, I am not going to miss work. It’s just you, Mornings, being a jerk.
Couldn’t you just be later, Mornings? What is the point of you before 9:30am? Are any stores open? Does coffee taste better? Are morning talk shows actually enjoyable? Is anyone else really awake? No, Mornings, they are not. We are all mutually united in our confusion and fatigue, and everything is just horrible. Why? Because you think it’s cute to exist at 6:00am. It is not cute, Mornings, not even a little.
Do you know what is cute, Mornings? Kittens asleep on yarn balls. Puppies flopping down stairs. Stickers of cupcakes and ice cream. T-shirts with unicorns farting sparkles on them. Apple slices made to look like bunnies. Miniature furniture. These are all cute. You are a vile, hateful entity that has sold its soul to corporate American so that it can have more productivity time and you can finally have someone hang out with you. Dick move, Mornings, dick move.
So I’m really just going to need you to back off for a while. Go bother someone else. Go back in time and hang out with Emerson and Thoreau. They seemed to be really into you and nature and all that gross shit. You are absolutely not needed right now. 😡
* Image taken from http://sasuke12234.deviantart.com/art/LoK-The-Morning-is-Evil-297854294