Last week I was supposed to post about my fourth Halloween treat, Ghostly Red Velvet Cake Pops. However, instead of uploading the post Saturday, October 24 (as normally scheduled), I uploaded the post today, Thursday, October 29. The reason? Cake pops are fucking evil.
Some time ago, someone (most likely a white suburban stay-at-home mother with way, way too much time on her hands) looked at cakes and their cousins cupcakes and thought, ‘Okay, how can I make this even more frustrating?’ It wasn’t enough for her that trying to make cakes and cupcakes moist and delicious is a never-ending battle that people have been waging since the freaking Egyptians. No, she had to really wow the PTA and shame that bitch Carol. Thus, cake pops were born.
Cake pops seem like a great idea. Want cake? Don’t want to have to carry around a worthless plate and fork? Put in on a stick! Well, how are you going to get the icing to stay? Add candy melts, of course! Everyone will swoon with envy and cake lust at how cute and tasty your cake pops are – even if they’re neither cute nor tasty (People fucking love cake pops no matter what.).
Unfortunately, creating cake pops requires you to literally sell your soul to the devil at a high interest rate – that or forfeit whatever tenuous hold you had on your sanity. Because making a successful cake pop means you know ridiculous things like pre-chilling your cake balls and sticks, adhering your sticks to the balls with excess candy melts, dunking your cake balls in one smooth motion (Seriously, it will not work any other way.), and some long-forgotten Assyrian spell for making perfectly round cake balls because there is literally no way to make perfectly round cake balls. It is not a real thing in real reality. It is a fantasy perpetuated by Starbucks and the Midwest. Don’t fall for it. No matter what Cheryl says.
It took me a six whole days to make these fuckers. Not an exaggeration. I started last Thursday, and I finished this Tuesday. It took two tries to make the cake filling, and even then I sort of fudged it, refusing to try the “traditional” frosting and cake method after it didn’t work the first time. I wasted an entire box of cake and an entire can of frosting. I cried as my cake balls kept sliding off their stupid sticks into the candy melts, refusing to adhere at all much less smoothly. I baked 79 cake balls but only made 35 cake pops – it was too much damn work. I stayed up past midnight on multiple nights crumbling cake, spooning out batter, and rolling out fondant (which is some next level shit I will not be messing with again). I will NEVER make a Goddamn cake pop again.
So, yes, cake pops look impressive. Look at that fucking picture up that. That shit is pristine. And, yes, they’re pretty tasty, especially if you’re having a sugar crash. But they are not worth it. Just let Carol dominate the snack table with her fucking brownies – your mental wellbeing is not worth that shit. You’ll get her come fundraising season.