Right about now I’m having a lot of trouble viewing Kim Davis with the kind of compassion and respect I think all human beings deserve, but there is one thing I can sympathize with her about: what her husband Joe was wearing when he picked her up from the Carter County Detention Center. And if I had been her, this is how the exchange would have gone.
KIM: Keep on pressing on!
(Crowd cheers. KIM walks off stage to embrace husband JOE, who is clad in dirty overalls, a long-sleeve shirt, and a floppy hat.)
KIM: (through clenched teeth) Can I have a word with you, darlin’? (manhandles him off to the side)
KIM: What in the name of sweet baby Jesus are you wearing, Joe?
JOE: (glances at self in confusion) This is what I wear every Tuesday, Kim.
KIM: I know that! Lord, the whole neighborhood knows that, but when you heard that I was going to be released from prison, you couldn’t have bothered to put on some jeans? A future President is here! (dramatically clutches face) Now we’re going to have a picture of you, me, the President, and the First Lady all up next to the crucifix, and you’re going to be wearing dirty overalls! Did you see the look on his wife’s face? She thought we were common trash, she did.
JOE: Now, Kim, I’m not going to be putting on no airs for some hoity-toity politician’s wife.
KIM: Well, you better start! Because this here, right now? This is the start of our new life. I’m not going to be a county clerk forever. Did you see that sign out there, “Kim Davis for President”? God knows women ain’t fit to be President, but I bet I’d make a fine judge – better’n that dunderhead that put me in here.
JOE: Well, that’s true.
KIM: So we’ve got to start dressing up a bit. Now, had you been the one to get out of prison with God and Fox News watching, I’d have dolled myself up, braided my hair, put on something clean, even dabbed on some perfume. I’d have made you proud to see me up there on the wall with the future President. That photo’s going to be an heirloom, you know.
JOE: I just didn’t see what all the fuss was about. I’m an old redneck, you know that, I don’t think about pants and what to wear just because the circus comes to town.
KIM: And that’s why I love you. You’re a good man, Joe, and a Godly one. (suddenly grabs his face and brings them eye-to-eye) But if you embarrass me this way again, I may have to forget I’m saved. (a pause) You understand me?
JOE: (shakes KIM off) Yeah, o’ course.
KIM: Good. (straightens clothes) Now let’s go home. I stink like convicts.
(The two walk off hand in hand.)
KIM: You know I’m not cooking dinner tonight, right?
JOE: No worries. The neighbors brought potluck.
KIM: Did Ashley Jones drop off some of her potato salad?
JOE: That she did.
KIM: Well, that suits me just fine.