*Best read in Jane Krakowski’s voice
I have a bone to pick with you, Planet Earth: what is this nonsense about my days getting shorter? Do you realize that I went out for my run at 8:33pm today, and I only had five minutes of sunlight left? It was pitch black by 9:05pm. Did you know that a month ago I could go out for a run at 9:03pm and even though the sun set in two minutes, I could still expect light for a half an hour? So what is the deal?
Now I know you have your reasons for this – orbit turning us away from the sun, the tilt of the planet shortening the amount of sunlight we get, blah, blah, blah – but I still don’t appreciate it. It’s just completely unacceptable. Did you know that I don’t even get home until close to 6pm some days? How am I supposed to get everything done in just 2 ½ hours of sunlight? I’ve got to wash my car, get 10,000 steps in, go on a run/to the gym, help a friend move out of her apartment – the list goes on and on! And I’m not young anymore. I am 28 years old, soon to be 28 ½; I just don’t have the energy to go-go-go from sunrise to sunset without even a thirty minute break to read manga. I am a high-powered businesswoman who does crafts with children for a living – I need a little bit of “me” time!
Honestly, I’m worried that this kind of behavior is going to lead to more serious transgressions. What’s next? Running out of fossil fuels? Losing your ozone layer? Secretly creating a supervolcano under a national park? Where does it end?
So I have a suggestion for you. Nothing major, just something to ensure that I can keep my long, summer days and we can maintain our loving and mutually respectful relationship. Why don’t you just skip back a few million miles so I can get my sunlight back? It’s no big deal; just reverse your orbit a bit. Of course, I’m willing to compromise, so this is something we can do every couple of months, going back and forth, gaining and losing a half hour of sunlight. I’m sure no one else on the planet will mind.
Thanks, love. Kiss kiss.