There is nothing greater than a terrible killer shark movie: Jaws (1 – 4), Jurassic Shark, Megalodon, Deep Blue Sea, Sharknado (1 – 3), all of these are terribly good/terribly bad, mostly because they give you what you want: sharks eating people. That’s all I want from a shark movie, and that’s all I really expect from a shark movie. Sharks become a tornado and terrorize a military town? Cool. Sharks get hyper intelligent and leap out of the water to eat Samuel L. Jackson? Great. Sharks combine with dinosaurs for an epic showdown? Even better. As long as that shark is eating someone, I am perfectly happy to go along with all sorts of terrible CGI, acting, and nonexistent plot – but Mega Shark versus Mecha Shark is a whole different beast.
The premise of this terrible movie is that a megalodon (massive, prehistoric shark) breaks loose from an iceberg, is immediately ready to rock and roll, and starts terrorizing the Pacific Ocean, evidently deliberately going after humans. It attacks carriers, battleships, submarines, oil rigs, Red Cross boats, everything, and since it is a 100% not realistic 250’ long, it is capable of unleashing a lot of carnage. Thus, the military gets involved and makes a similar-sized mecha shark that they will use to attack and kill the beast. Everyone is incredibly inept so this doesn’t go very well, and eventually the mecha shark goes berserk (How? Evidently, this isn’t important.) in downtown Sydney, literally growing tank treads and trundling down the streets destroying property and some very slow moving humans. Thus, our intrepid heroes, Jack and Rosie (I am so mad I didn’t get this Titanic reference the first time around), the husband-wife “scientist” duo who helped create the mecha shark, must somehow lure the megalodon to the mecha shark and have it bite down on its pectoral fin where there just happens to be a torpedo, effectively killing two birds with one stone (which begs the question: why wasn’t this done 80 minutes ago???).
But that summary really doesn’t do justice with how utterly, unbelievably, not-even-laughably terrible this movie is. My summary was 500% more cogent than the actual movie, and it left out the dozens of inconsistencies – how megalodon started out in Egypt but then was suddenly in the Pacific, how megalodon was able to jump a mile and a half out of the ocean to try to eat a commercial airplane (yes, you read that right), the “shark expert” everyone kept calling who knew nothing about sharks, the military guy that just kept sending out people to get killed and then yelled and stomped around when people suggested that maybe he should try a new approach – and on and on and on. It really was a mess, and it was extremely difficult to figure out what was happening (much less why).
However, I could forgive those things. I mean, I didn’t watch Mega Shark versus Mecha Shark for its realistic plot. What I can’t forgive is that we saw very little shark action. Mostly, we were watching the characters ineffectually argue in non-descript rooms or describe the carnage the megalodon was doing. They’d tell us it had taken down a carrier with 500 people and all had been eaten – but we never saw it eat (okay, so it did once). We never even got the standard shark-tips-boat-and-people-fall-into-its-jaws shot – despite the fact that the shark did tip a boat and people did slide down it. The CGI was horrible, so that goes a long way to explain why they didn’t do many shark shots, but shouldn’t that have been where the budget went? Screw aircraft carriers and fighter planes – I just want to see some blood in the water.
So, unfortunately, I just can’t back this film. I mean, it was funny watching the mecha shark prevent the megalodon from eating the commercial airplane and all the women had amazing eye make-up, but that’s it. There’s no gore, no plot, no acting, nothing really funny – it’s just trash. So save yourself the hour and a half and just go watch Sharknado.