57 Things Wrong with Pitch Perfect 2

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Pitch Perfect 2 is the worst movie I’ve seen since Dana Carvey’s 2002 movie Master of Disguise. It has zero characterization and even goes so far as to reverse the character development of the first movie. Female sexuality becomes a joke as do minorities, millennials, and fat people. The music of this movie about a cappella is terrible and cringe-worthy. And yet in the month it’s been out, it’s made over $170 million domestically, and a Pitch Perfect 3 has already been confirmed. No. That will not stand. So in an attempt to get people to stop wasting money on this horrible, embarrassing shit bag of a movie, I present you with 57 Things Wrong with Pitch Perfect 2.

  1. Every Barden Bellas song from the opening Kennedy Center Performance through the Convention Performance to “Flashlight.” They were a mish-mash of songs, highly jumbled, made no sense, couldn’t really be sung to, and more often than not weren’t a cappella.
  2. The over-use of John and Gail, the announcers. John and Gail were effective in the previous movie because they were only there for a short time and had quick, punchy lines. In this movie, they meandered and babbled and weren’t funny at all. They were useless.
  3. No one taking the time to talk with Fat Amy about the wardrobe malfunction. Fat Amy may be confident as hell, but she still showed her vagina to millions of viewers, including the President of the United States. Friends would have talked to her about it, even if she wanted to brush it off like it was no big deal. In a movie/franchise about female relationships, why was this topic never brought up?
  4. Every character, even John and Gail, making fun of a cappella. We got it in the first movie, people often think a cappella and those who do it are weird. But what we also learned in the first movie is that they aren’t, and it’s okay to like a cappella. Finally, it makes no sense for people who make their living on a cappella to be so down on it. Stop it.
  5. Flo, a Guatemalan woman, being played by Chrissie Fit, who is of Cuban descent and an American-born woman. Why not just make Flo Cuban?
  6. Chrissie Fit’s horrible, horrible Guatemalan accent. Hank Azaria’s accent from Birdcage was better.
  7. Flo being a racist stereotype. Every line she had was racist and non sequitur. It was offensive.
  8. Chloe staying as an undergrad for seven years. That’s unreasonable, and it should have raised a lot of red flags with her BFFs. How did no one talk to her about this earlier? How is she not in counseling? Who is still paying for her tuition?
  9. Associate Justice of the Supreme Court Sonia Sotomayer sending the Bellas hate mail for a wardrobe malfunction. Justice Sotomayer is a huge defender of women, minorities, and gender identity and would never do such a thing.
  10. “Lollipop” by the Treblemakers. That was a terrible, embarrassing song. Why were people clapping? How did the Treblemakers go from being the bad boys of a cappella to preppy, no talented schmucks?
  11. Mama Katherine. Why was there an entire side plot of a relationship between a mother and a daughter? If this movie was about female friendships, why didn’t she have a friend her own age? Why was the mother a pageant mom who shoves her daughter into being in the Bellas? Why does she constantly insist that Bellas are lifelong friends and the best thing ever and necessary for a happy life? What the fuck was that?
  12. Lilly going back to talking quietly and not beat boxing anymore. Lilly’s character arc in the first movie was her learning to trust the Bellas enough to talk normally with them and share her talents. This movie completely negated all of that.
  13. Cynthia Rose constantly eye-fucking all of the Bellas. She’s been friends with these women for four years, she evidently has a fiancée (Why didn’t anyone know about her?), and lesbians do not spend all of their time hitting on their female friends. Which brings us to…
  14. Cynthia Rose being stripped of her character and turned into a “stereotypical” lesbian. All she did was ogle her friends, and when she finally did have a line it was to inform everyone that she was going to Maine to get married. What happened to her gambling problem? What else was she doing besides getting married? How did she feel about anything that happened that year?
  15. Emily constantly fucking up and saying weird, awkward things that no one would actually say. Was she supposed to be likeable and cute? Because she wasn’t.
  16. The Bellas choosing Emily despite the fact that she couldn’t do a cappella and had nothing prepared (which makes no sense considering whose daughter she was). She gave them nothing during their first meeting and should have been turned away.
  17. Beca and Jesse still being together. Beca strikes me as the kind of person who would get way too into whatever she was doing and have no time for a boyfriend whereas Jesse strikes me as the kind of guy that really wants to hang out with his girlfriend and would tire of her abandoning him. They had no chemistry. Most freshmen couples do not last. So why did they have to?
  18. The interns at the recording studio being completely useless. An internship at one of the best recording studios in the country would be highly competitive, and even if you’re only looking up YouTube videos or getting coffee, you would still have to be a talented and hard-working individual. The interns would have been aggressive and doing all they could to get noticed, not fucking up constantly, pissing off the guy in charge, and having no ideas. Why are millennials/interns constantly portrayed that way? No intern I’ve ever known has sucked that hard.
  19. Snoop Dogg. I don’t understand why Snoop Dogg was in this movie. Why did they waste several million dollars on his cameo?
  20. Benji being more socially awkward than he was in the first movie. He’s like 22 at this point and has been touring the country with the Treblemakers. He should know how to talk to girls. His magic was just painful, and I’m really damn tired of this, “Oh, boy nerds are too awkward to talk to girls!” trope. It’s never that bad. Stop pretending it is.
  21. Bringing Bumper back. He contributed nothing to the movie. He was irritating. He had way too much screen time. At best, he should have been a cameo.  NO.
  22. The Bellas training sequence. There was too much of it. It hurt the eyes. It never made sense. It lasted too long. It was poorly edited.
  23. Emily being the only one who tells Beca they need to work on the songs. No. It should have been someone else. Someone else should have talked to her or brought it up. That’s how close, multi-year friendships work.
  24. Beca suddenly getting flustered around Kommissar. Beca never struck me as the kind of person who couldn’t handle being attracted to someone. When she wants someone, she goes after them. But she couldn’t handle Kommissar. Which brings me to…
  25. Female sexuality being a joke in this movie. The joke was constantly that a woman was ogling another woman or wanting to “experiment” with them. Why can’t women have fluid orientations without it being a joke? Why can’t women having a sex drive not be a joke?
  26. The Bellas having a pillow fight. Why? That made no damn sense. It had no lead-in and was solely there for Beca to make a joke about them setting women back 50 years. It could have meant something. Instead, we got something for the male gaze. Thanks.
  27. The weird underground riff off. The rules didn’t make any sense and constantly changed, why this was happening was never explained, the Packers being there didn’t make sense, it in no way furthered the plot, and it had no real pay off. Also, we’d already had a riff off in the previous movie (and it was much better). Granted, this was the only section of the movie with decent songs, but it had no point. Why not make the plot of this movie a series of riff offs to get the Bellas back on top? At least that would have made more sense.
  28. Emily only singing her dumb ass “Flashlight” song. On the spot, does she seriously not know any other songs? In the history of music, she only knows the song she half finished? The Bellas should have kicked her ass out right then and there.
  29. When Beca feels bad about her boss’ criticism, she talks to Jesse instead of her eight best friends. For that matter, why were there zero female friendships in this movie? The best we got was Fat Amy rubbing her confidence all over Beca. Where was the communication? The love? The support? THIS IS A FRANCHISE ABOUT FEMALE FRIENDSHIPS!!!!
  30. The Fat Amy-Bumper romantic subplot. While I fully believe Fat Amy could and would fuck anyone she wanted to, this subplot took up too much time and was unbelievable. It had no point in this movie.
  31. Fat Amy suddenly becoming undesirable in this movie. In the first movie, we saw that she was aggressively pursued by gorgeous men and women. Every time she got on stage, someone yelled, “Fat Amy! Whoo!” And yet she had no one in this movie except Bumper. What happened?
  32. The disastrous old people’s home performance. Why were they dressed as black girls? Why did their performance get even worse? Why did no one complain about how horrible it was?
  33. Flo only doing cartwheels and flips on stage. Why would you bring in a gymnast into an a cappella group? Could she even sing?
  34. Bringing back Aubrey. That was just a mistake.
  35. Chloe bringing up wanting to “experiment” more in college. We got it in the first movie – Chloe is probably bisexual. Why not just have her date a girl in this movie? Why make her predatory and weird? Why make being bisexual a joke?
  36. The net joke being used too often. We got it. There are nets. Let’s move on.
  37. When Flo stood up at the retreat and said she’d probably be deported and then die trying to illegally re-enter the country, no one said anything. How do you develop “life-long Bella friendships” and not give two shits about a person that’s going to be deported and die?
  38. Jessica and Ashley being twisted into one weird person. They were always standing next to each other, often holding each other’s arms. Why? Are they not real human beings?
  39. Beca (and everyone else, I guess) still not knowing the difference between Jessica and Ashley. How have you been in the same a cappella group for four years and still don’t know who these girls are? How horrible of a person must you be?
  40. Chloe saying she either wanted to be a music teacher or an exotic dancer – like those are similar. Why is Chloe suddenly a joke in this movie?
  41. None of the original Bellas other than Beca (and somewhat Fat Amy and Chloe) having any lines in this movie. Instead, we got useless, constantly chipper but has no real talent, ‘nother white girl Emily. Thanks.
  42. Everyone singing “Cups.” It was just a call back to the first movie. It meant nothing. Like every other “emotional” moment in this movie.
  43. Fat Amy suddenly realizing that Bumper is the man for her. No. Bumper is terrible, and she can do much better. It is also completely out of character for her to settle for a pudgy, ordinary-looking, prospect-less loser like Bumper.
  44. The entire Fat Amy goes to Bumper scene. It was embarrassing, gross, and fat shaming.
  45. How Fat Amy and Bumper had to ugly make out. Because fat people are not attractive or normal and can’t just make out. Apparently.
  46. Everyone graduating before the World Championship. In the first movie, the A Cappella Nationals were before the end of the school year. Winning the World Championships was supposed to reinstate the Bellas. That was the whole impetus behind this movie. But apparently the girls graduated before the World, which was before the Nationals. That doesn’t make sense and is simply poor editing. It also makes the entire movie pointless.
  47. Beca and Emily suddenly being BFFs. Beca gets along with no one. Beca respects no one. It doesn’t make sense for her to suddenly envy Emily’s horrible song-writing ability or connect with her instantly and to the exclusion of everyone else. You do not drop the best friends you’ve had for four years for someone new. You add them, you include them, but you don’t drop everyone else.
  48. Beca’s boss deciding to sign her and Emily based on one song. He is one of the nation’s most sought-after producers. Even if he really liked that terrible song, why would he accept one song as an indication of her talent – especially when he just ripped her a new one a week before?
  49. The Benji-Emily romantic side plot. Who cares? It was just another side plot crammed into a too-full movie. It had no emotional grounding and was never worked for.
  50. Beca never owning her attraction to Kommissar. Beca started the movie tough-as-nails and not backing down to anyone, but she never managed to get it together in front of Kommissar. That was completely out of character. She should have been aggressive about it, owned it, and made Kommissar flustered.
  51. The song “Flashlight.” It is a dumb song, it means nothing, and every time they said “Flashlight,” I heard, “Flesh Light.” That is a terrible refrain for a song.
  52. “Flashlight” being a melodramatic song meant to create pathos but not wanting to do the work of actually meaning anything. It was an empty song, and it was cheap how it was staged to make people feel something over nothing.
  53. The Bellas winning the World Championship. DSM had a significantly better song, and their compilation was actually a cappella whereas the Bellas’ wasn’t. And shouldn’t the Bellas have been disqualified for suddenly adding 45 members to their ensemble? How and when did they have time to orchestrate that? Is that why the beginning of the song was still jumbled and stupid?
  54. The complete parallel of every scene from the first movie. That’s just lazy.
  55. The end scene. It had nothing to do with anything and was a terrible way to end the movie.
  56. The credit scene with Bumper on The Voice. So we end a female-centric movie supposedly about female friendships with Bumper being a fuck up loser poseur on The Voice? Fuck you, Elizabeth Banks.
  57. Elizabeth Banks being the director. No, no, no.

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